Planes and Goodbyes

I’m on the plane on my way back home from…home? I flew back to Gilbert Monday night after work for Goog’s graduation, and boy were those days loaded!

Tuesday morning, I woke up and went to the photography place because mom wanted updated pictures of me since my last formal pictures were from my senior year of high school. That afternoon, I napped for three hours, which was really nice since I’ve been keeping a pretty busy social schedule since I got to Colorado. Tuesday night was the last family dinner we will have with everyone there indefinitely. Mom ended up crying and I was thinking about how sad that really is. After dinner, I met up with the girls for a drink at Applebee’s, and I started thinking about the same things there.

Wednesday, I woke up and hung out by the pool for a couple hours. After showering off, I headed to the dentist to take care of my biannual checkup, but even there I realized I couldn’t schedule my next appointment since I have no idea when I’ll be back. On my way to the appointment however, I got a call from a school in the Glendale School District where I had turned in an application and they wanted to schedule an interview! Grandma and Grandpa showed up after a delayed flight schedule that evening and we all headed to Meredith’s graduation at Chandler High.

This morning, I woke up early and headed to my interview where I was offered the job after the hour of questions and talking. That made me feel a lot better that I am already batting 1000 as far as interviews and job offers go. Unfortunately, that situation didn’t seem like the best fit for me so I will keep looking until the right thing shows up. We hung out with the g-rents all afternoon and I filled out ten more applications for schools throughout Colorado. Goog’s dinner celebration was at Charleston’s, and after dinner I had to say all my goodbyes.

Mom has already scheduled her visit to come see me in two weeks, so that one wasn’t going to be hard, but saying goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa made me start tearing up. They are getting so much older, and each time I wonder if that’s the last time I’m going to see them or not since they live across the country. Then, I turned to say goodbye to everyone else. I almost completely lost it saying goodbye to Melinda and Meredith. We didn’t always get along the best growing up, but I love those two more than anything and would give my life to make sure they were happy. It’s hard not knowing when I’m going to get to see them next. Maybe I’ll be home for Christmas, but who knows depending on the job situation!

So here I am on the plane with tears streaming down my face as I listen to my bluegrass with their picture on the seat next to me as I stare out the window at Jupiter as it follows me in the sky everywhere I go. (Thank goodness there are only 9 people on my flight so everyone is spread out and not watching me right now!)

Seeing Jupiter out there reminds me of all the events in the past week, especially Saturday, but let me back up a little bit…

Anyone who talks to me knows how much I love my job. Going into the office doesn’t even seem like work to me (but trust me, it’s one of the busiest and most stressful offices in the park, despite what I make it seem like!), and my hike days don’t even seem fair when I think that I’m getting paid to hike. Knowing all that, Saturday has got to be hands down my favorite day at work.

As we neared the last hour of work, I had started running out of things to clean and organize for the day. At that point, a family came in so I went up front to help them out. What looked like three generations of females came up to the counter, with the young girl (maybe 12-14?) tried to get her mom to ask me a question. The mom finally gave in and said that she was trying to get her daughter to ask me, but that they had a question.

They had been out walking around Sprague Lake and came across the discreet handicap sign, designating our accessible backcountry campsite, and wanted to know what that was all about. I started talking to the young girl and asked her if she liked camping. In her response, I could tell through her excitement that she had some sort of disability, but really wanted to go camping! Her mom asked if the site was only designated for physical disabilities, and I assured her that anyone could use it if they felt that it would be a good fit.

All three women got so excited. I pulled down some pictures to show them the site, but they told me that they hiked back to the clearing and sat down at the picnic table for a while, just looking at the site, imagining their own private camping experience back there. The mom told me that her husband had just lost his job and they were trying to make ends meet, but wanted to keep that as an option to keep their daughter’s spirits up. She wondered if she needed any kind of documentation or doctor’s note to use the site, but I assured her it would be ok.

When the three left, they were full of smiles and tears of joy, and all shook my hand on their way out. I went back into the office and just started crying myself, thinking about the joy that had just been brought to them.

How neat is it that RMNP would have an accessible site so that even people with disabilities or who would not, under normal circumstances, be able to hike far to a backcountry campsite can have their own similar backcountry experience?! I am so proud to be a part of that community that can provide for opportunities such as those.

Saturday night after dinner, Tom and I headed up to hang out with Jupiter on a night hike up to Gem Lake. We left around 10pm and I got back to my place by 2am, but the stars were amazing, especially in contrast with the full moon and town lights! We hiked up to the lake and then climbed the rock wall behind it to get up above for the best views.

Sitting on a giant rock like that always makes me think a lot, and based on my sunburns this spring, you can tell I do a lot of rock sitting. Getting out into the “wild” like that is like soul food for me. I can’t be stuck inside for long periods of time or I start to go crazy. I think that’s part of why I wasn’t able to completely wrap my mind around the idea of teaching in the valley. I need to have a place I can go to distress, decompose, and just think.

So sure it’s been REALLY hard saying goodbye to all the parts of Arizona I love, but now it’s off to new and exciting adventures. I should be landing in half an hour (this won’t be posted until later since there is obviously no internet connection on the plane), and then driving back to Estes. For now, that’s my home, but who knows what’s coming my way after that. I am positive there’s some sort of bigger, better plan out there for me—I just don’t know what it is yet and for once, I think I’m ok with that.

Love Plan B

Nature weaves an intricate web of life into all things. Here, the spirit of the mountains prevails, and the higher in the mountains you travel, the closer to the heavens you reach. The backcountry surrounds me: untraveled and inviting.

Rocky Mountain National Park is:

416 square miles

350 miles of trails

473 miles of streams

147 lakes

267 backcountry campsites

75 miles of paved roads

110 peaks over 10,000 feet

72 peaks over 12,000 feet

25% Alpine tundra

95% designated Wilderness

And the best part? This is my entire back and front yard. This wilderness is where humans are visitors and don’t remain. While there are 3 million annual visitors, the only year-round residents of the park are the natural inhabitants. Here, nature gets to be nature—it’s free to do it’s own thing.

Today was the first day of work, starting with backcountry training in the auditorium with our staff and a bunch of LE (Law Enforcement) rangers. As we sat and listened to the uniform and backcountry spiels for this year, I began to think about and write down all my hopes and goals for this summer. As Barry pointed out last summer, a hope is something you have no control over, while a goal is the opposite. As my list grew, the last thing we talked about it training before playing Jeopardy (who says Rangers can’t have fun in training!?) was about “Situational Awareness”—a word that came up all the time in training last summer too and that is so important in the field.

“Situational Awareness” is knowing what is happening all around you, along with your ability to process it. It’s the difference between perception and reality, and is ESSENTIAL to managing risk.

After the group backcountry training, our staff left and loaded into our government vehicles to head off to an unknown destination. Barry led the way, and we ended up at a huge mansion that once belonged to Mr. K. Kingston who I guess began and owned some huge banking firms in Denver. The place is used now for non-profit organization meetings and functions, and Barry had arranged for our staff meeting to be there. For the beginning, he encouraged us to explore around the house as we ate our lunches, until we finally settled into the giant living room. The seventeen of us sat in a circle and our personal training began.

The neat thing about Barry is that the training today was personal. Rather than going over rules and regs from the very beginning, he wanted us to all get to know one another. He said he wanted us to hear each other’s voices and see the sparkle in each other’s eyes as we talked so that we could see what excitement we were in for this summer. What other bosses do people have that strive for a healthy work culture made of two kinds of people, “comedians and philosophers?” His biggest goal is to make our government office the exact opposite of the DMV. (Oh, how I can relate to that right now!)

He asked us two questions that we were supposed to answer, popcorn style instead of around the circle so no one was pressured to talk at any point. The first questions: “What did you learn?”

All of my coworkers went around the room, sharing their bits of wisdom they’ve learned from over the years as I sat and planned out what I was going to say. The first was taken directly from Timon in The Lion King, “Home is where my rump rests.” I could directly relate to that, along with many of the following ideas: “Some relationships are for a reason, some relationships are for a season, and some relationships are for a lifetime.” (I might have to come back to this quote at some point this summer.) “Leave your egos at the door,” combined with “Arrogance kills.”

Finally, as I sat there thinking about my life and writing down ideas and notes on my yellow legal pad, I realized exactly what it is that I’ve been learning lately: I CAN’T plan out and control everything in my life. I spoke up and began telling about my very first Halloweens, when I would come home after going around the neighborhood, dump my candy on the floor, and then rather than eat it all before getting into trouble like a normal three-year-old, I’d begin to organize it by color or brand. I asked for a “little kitchen” for Christmas one year when I was younger and began to organize all the shelves and put the food away in its appropriate spots as soon as I saw Santa brought it for me. My main use for Barbies was to set up their houses and organize all their accessories, rather than actually play with the dolls (I was more into legos than dolls all along anyway!).

At the end of high school, my best friend Erin and I sat down and decided to plan our lives out. I wanted kids by a certain age, which meant I had to be married so many years before that, which meant I had to be dating the guy by so many years before that, and had to actually know the guy so many years before that…Throw in the job timeline, combined with school, and my life was set. When I was back home at my mom’s house recently, I found that timeline we had made and realized just how many of those dates I had missed. That’s when I realized what I was learning.

Andree pointed out to me, “you can set your goals, but you have to be willing to change your plans.”

How true is that in my life right now?! I am officially done with school and have nothing holding me back. I don’t owe any debts to anyone for my college expenses. I don’t have a relationship I’m involved in right now to tie me down somewhere. I am completely free to go wherever I want, so why not take a job in Anchorage, AK if that comes my way?

Thinking back even on my lesson plans during student teaching, I immediately thought back to the second grade incident. While I had everything planned out for my class, there was no way I could have accounted for the little boy to lunge at his classmate and tackle him, while choking him, to the floor. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”

More importantly, as Barry pointed out today, “LOVE PLAN B.”

If you love “Plan B” and “Plan A” doesn’t work out, you’re still set either way. I am learning to roll with what life gives me, and see where I end up. Even after three days in Colorado and only one day at work, I can tell this is going to be yet again a summer of a lifetime.

Dreams and Reality

The past week truly has been a blur of emotions. I woke up yesterday morning after a restless sleep with tears still unwillingly streaming down my face. I tried to make them stop but I had no control over what they were doing.

Strangely, as I lay there in the bed, I stared at the wall on my side and remembered back to the exact feeling at the end of last summer when I woke up and stared at my blank wall, back in my room, thinking it was all a dream. That's what prompted me to cover it with pictures from the summer so I would know it all really happened. Looking at that blank wall yesterday though, I realized that waking up back in Estes, I was going to realize I was back home again but was that going to make me feel like the last five years (especially the most recent!) in Flagstaff were going to seem just as surreal? As all these thoughts of walls and deeper meanings were going through my head and I was chewing on my lip to think about something other than crying, Drew pulled up a C.S. Lewis quote,

"And just as there are moments when simply to lie in bed and see the daylight pouring through your window and to hear the cheerful voice of an early postman or milkman down below and to realise that it was only a dream: it wasn't real, is so heavenly that it was very nearly worth having the nightmare in order to have the joy of waking, so they all felt when they came out of the dark."
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The irony of how well that lined up with what I had been thinking about set me off again, and as I willed the tears to stop, I couldn't even say anything at all. Reading another passage--this one from the Bible--kept the tears coming as I thought about how I was leaving the town where I lived the past five years.

"We don't see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!"

After saying the final tearful goodbyes to D, D, and L, I got in the car, made a quick stop at the MVD, and headed on my way. On the drive, I started with Mahler 1, using it as a memory of one of the highlights of my playing career in Flag. After that, I went through some of the fifths, with Shostakovich 5, Beethoven 5, and Mahler 5. The first two brought back memories of playing with the Flagstaff Symphony, and while I never performed the full Mahler 5, the horn excerpts were used on my last horn audition at NAU. After those four symphonies, I tried listening to the mix Kelly made me for my birthday last summer. With that music though, I found myself zoning out and not listening as intently as I had been with the symphonies.

I found it strange that I was more unfocused listening to the music that actually had words to sing along with. At my first gas stop in Kayenta, AZ, I was on the phone with Aaron Walker. He said he couldn't listen to classical music when driving because he has to sing along to stay awake. When I got back in the car, I realized I had been singing along to all the different instrumental parts of the piece. I was immersing myself in the music and able to listen so intently for the first time in a while because there was nothing else to distract me.

Utah found me listening to Pictures at an Exhibition and Night on Bald Mountain, both an FSO and high school memory, respectively. Tchaikovsky 4 took me to Moab (the halfway point) while Sheherazade took me away. I70 gave me a chance to listen to all four Brahms symphonies, with the final, triumphant chord of the first symphony lining up directly with my cross over the Colorado border. I70 went on forever, so I was able to get Dvorak 8, Schubert 8, and Dvorak 9, totaling at twelve complete symphonies and a few other works combined with Denver radio for the 836 mile drive.

Waking up this morning in my bed in Estes, I opened the window and let the daylight pour in. Long's Peak was outside, covered in snow, and there were so many shades of green I didn't know what to do with myself. Kristin was sleeping on the mattress on the floor and my suitcases were shoved in the corner from unloading half my car after stopping at The Rock last night before heading home. The cheerful voices I heard were of the wind sweeping through the grasses and trees, combined with the chirping of the birds and rustling of the small rodents running around outside. The best part--it wasn't a dream. Even though I'm here now in the mountains where I belong, Flagstaff is still just as real to me and I am not losing touch with that feeling yet.

Skillet on the Stove

It's time. In just a few hours I'm getting into the already loaded car and heading 750 miles away, not knowing if I will ever really be back. It's so strange and it just hit me as I was laying in bed and tears started coming unexpectedly from my eyes.

I'm done in Flagstaff though: All of my NAU bills are paid. I finished the last minute errands like getting a haircut, oil change, gas, tire rotation, stopping at Cedar Music and the bank on last time. I am an official member of the National Association for Music Education (MENC) and the Sigma Alpha Iota Alumni Association.

Then today, I had to do some of the hardest parts of leaving. I loaded the car and official moved out of 206. Sure, I had to move out last summer too, but this time I'm not coming back. Throughout the past week and a half, things were slowly disappearing. The pictures on the walls were some of the first things to go, and it immediately made the apartment seem like some foreign place. Today, we turned in the keys and parking permits, and looking around the empty, echoing rooms left a giant pit in my stomach, especially thinking about all the fantastic memories that were made within those walls.

Tonight at dinner, a bunch of my close friends met up at Beaver Street Brewery for a final dinner/goodbye. After dinner, most of us headed to Liza's place where we sang Disney tunes at the top of our lungs, and it made me realize how much I really am going to miss Flagstaff and all my friends here. I realized that life is going to go on for all of them, and maybe I will stick around in their minds for a little bit, but chances are they will move on and not really give it a second thought. Those 750 miles make quite a difference and if I end up teaching in Alaska, it will be an even further thought tucked back into any of their minds.

So here I am, sitting in a friend's bed while they snore away and I have just a couple silent tears trickling down my face. This time of reflection is making me think of my last big event in Flag: the tattoo I got yesterday. It's a simple drawing that I made in high school--an intermingled treble and bass clef, tucked behind my left ear. To me, it means more than just that though. The connected shape doesn't have a start or end point, and the fact that it's on the left side of my body makes it closer to my heart. Behind my ear reminds me to listen deeper for more meaning in what goes on around me, and the combination of bass and treble clefs indicate a harmony of sorts that cannot be surpassed.

As I go on into this next stage of my life, I need to keep these Flagstaff memories with me as a happy period of time, but I also need to be ready to embrace what lies before me.

Why should I be tearing up thinking about what I will be missing when I have so many opportunities lying ahead of me, starting tomorrow?

Behind the Wheel

I drove to Durango, CO this weekend with Kendall so I could take my Colorado teacher certification test (the PLACE). The ten hours in the car didn't seem quite worth it for the one hour test, but I got a big wake up call just past Tuba City on the way there.

As the sun was setting through the stormy clouds, we were enjoying the views in the sky while listening to Kendall's selections on my ipod when I suddenly saw three cows on the road ahead of me. Going 75mph, there was no way I could brake in time for the cows. As I swerved out of the way, I noticed through the dusky light that it was a baby on the road, frozen in fear as each parents waited on a different side of the road. While my heartbeat slowed down, I started comparing those cows to different events in my life--those times where I've been frozen in fear in the middle of a path between two very important things, but unable to move despite all my efforts.

That's kind of how I feel right now--stuck between job applications and Flagstaff. I find myself so scared to death about leaving the familiar place that I love and have grown to call home, but also about the mountains of opportunities out there that await me and new experiences I haven't had the chance to encounter yet. I'm the baby cow that's frozen in the road between two larger ideas and need to realize that if I stay there too long, the cars won't always be able to swerve out of the way because they will be coming from both directions, in streams with others behind them.

The drive home was just as mentally intellectual. I started focusing on objects like mountains or trees off in the distance. As I approached them in the car, I started realizing how easy it is to move from large to small picture views. When you are far away, you can focus on the whole idea, rather than just one particular part if that's what you choose. Up close, you don't have much of an option, but there is still a large/small picture concept...it's just on a different, much smaller scale.

These thoughts all feel so scrambled, but it's nice to be able to write again. I've had so much trouble finding time for myself between all the teaching and job applications, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.

Happy President's Day

It's been a few weeks since I've updated, but that's due to an incredibly busy life. (What else is new!) During my time away however, I realized that this blog doesn't have to be teacher-specific. The chance that most posts will be about teaching is very high, but that's just because that's what I do.

I teach.

The past two weeks, I have taught every. single. class. at the Elementary School and have loved every minute of it. Each class is so different, even in the specific grade levels, and I can't think of any I prefer, but I KNOW this is the level I want to teach.

It's neat seeing the kids warming up to me and being able to break through and reach some of the "unreachables." When the too-cool-sixth-grader comes up when the rest of the class leaves and says he wants to stay after school so he can improve on his trumpet but doesn't want anyone else to find out about it, or the first grade girl who doesn't have to come to class anymore with her aid is getting ready to go grabs your arm as she lines up and tells me she's keeping me forever...those are the things that make me realize I'm doing exactly what I need to do. Even on a rough day, the kinder kids who walk in and tell me "I'm looking be-a-utiful today" can cheer me up in an instant.

Even in my private teaching, I am making lots of progress. I currently have ten students, four of whom tried out for High School Regionals and placed 1st, 2nd, 5th, and 7th overall! I was so proud of them, especially the girl who has only been playing horn for less than a year and still placed above 17 other contestants! One of my junior high students also tried out for Junior High Regionals and made that! It's neat to see that my efforts and communications make it through to the students and that they can push themselves to reach their fullest potential.

My elementary student teaching is winding to a close with only three more weeks left, and then I will make the switch to the high school which is making me realize just how close to graduation I really am. I signed the intent to move form at the apartment office this afternoon, solidifying the fact that I am homeless, come August. Actually, I got the phone call from Barry and was told that I have the park job this summer again, and it could be extended until September, or possibly October if I still don't have a job which adds a little bit of an extra cushion.

I am truly scared of how little control I have on my life right now. I have no clue where I am living next year. I have no clue if I will have a job next year. I have no clue who my friends will still be next year. Nothing, except that I will still have my family because they don't really have a choice in the matter.

I have 81 days until graduation, and not many more than that until I am out of Flagstaff completely. I don't have time to play "the game" or to argue about petty situations with friends. I have decided that I am going to make the most of these few months and not waste them. They'll be gone before I know it.

Bounce High, Bounce Low, Bounce the Ball to *SPLIT*

This week is my first week of COMPLETE teaching! Yesterday I taught fifth and third grade, along with all the before, lunch, and after school sectionals and private tutorings. After school, I taught two private lessons of my own and then called it a quasi-early night.

Today, I taught back-back-back-10minutebreak-back-back classes that were kinder, first, kinder, first, kinder, first...and that was just between 8:45-11:35!! After that I headed to NAU to play in Wind Symphony, teach three of my own private lessons, play in Collegiate Band, and now I am writing my lesson plans for tomorrow's classes.

Needless to say, this is already EXHAUSTING!

The kids and teaching totally makes everything worth it though. I still have not even begun to second guess my career choice during my student teaching experience, and have learned SO much thanks to everyone at the school, especially Mrs. Stamer!

Today was another less-than-forgettable day...

In my very first class of the morning, I had the kinders in a circle so we could participate in a song about a ball. At first, they all bounced an imaginary ball to the beat while I bounced the real one. The next time, we sang the song with each of the students' names and I bounced the ball to them when we said their names and they rolled it back to me. When one of the kids rolled the ball back, I bent over in a funny way and heard that awful sound of a seam ripping. There I was, in the center of a circle, surrounded by kindergartners, most likely with ripped black pants, fearing my choice of hot pink underneath was not turning out to be my wisest decision. I knew that if the kids saw it and started laughing I would have NO control of the class, so I decided to pretend that nothing happened and just pray that nothing would happen.

Luckily, we finished the game and they sat back down so my back was turned away from them the rest of class. There wasn't a break between the first two classes, but the second was a little late so I ran around the corner to the bathroom. When I checked, I found out that the pants had a double seam, thank goodness!, so they didn't split all the way through! I made it successfully through the rest of the morning without a glitch and am almost halfway through the week now!

Tomorrow morning I am getting observed for the first time, and hopefully everything will go well!! Now to get to those lesson plans so I can get some sleep...