I drove to Durango, CO this weekend with Kendall so I could take my Colorado teacher certification test (the PLACE). The ten hours in the car didn't seem quite worth it for the one hour test, but I got a big wake up call just past Tuba City on the way there.
As the sun was setting through the stormy clouds, we were enjoying the views in the sky while listening to Kendall's selections on my ipod when I suddenly saw three cows on the road ahead of me. Going 75mph, there was no way I could brake in time for the cows. As I swerved out of the way, I noticed through the dusky light that it was a baby on the road, frozen in fear as each parents waited on a different side of the road. While my heartbeat slowed down, I started comparing those cows to different events in my life--those times where I've been frozen in fear in the middle of a path between two very important things, but unable to move despite all my efforts.
That's kind of how I feel right now--stuck between job applications and Flagstaff. I find myself so scared to death about leaving the familiar place that I love and have grown to call home, but also about the mountains of opportunities out there that await me and new experiences I haven't had the chance to encounter yet. I'm the baby cow that's frozen in the road between two larger ideas and need to realize that if I stay there too long, the cars won't always be able to swerve out of the way because they will be coming from both directions, in streams with others behind them.
The drive home was just as mentally intellectual. I started focusing on objects like mountains or trees off in the distance. As I approached them in the car, I started realizing how easy it is to move from large to small picture views. When you are far away, you can focus on the whole idea, rather than just one particular part if that's what you choose. Up close, you don't have much of an option, but there is still a large/small picture concept...it's just on a different, much smaller scale.
These thoughts all feel so scrambled, but it's nice to be able to write again. I've had so much trouble finding time for myself between all the teaching and job applications, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.
