My Life is a Snow Globe

You know how when you look at a snow globe everything is still and quiet? And then you shake the hell out of it, and chaos rains in the form of all the "snow" falling everywhere? I often feel that way about life.
One of my biggest projects since I got home Sunday night has been to go through all of the things in each of my parent's houses in efforts to be completely moved out by April on my next trip back. At mom's I came across my old snow globe collection, tucked and buried away in my closet--a happy collection of memories throughout my life.

I received my first snow globe as a gift from my dad on a trip to Yellowstone National Park some time in elementary school. It was a lone bison set in a meadow, with yellowed rocks surrounding the outer base. I had fallen in love with those majestic animals and thought this ceramic trinket with it's swirling glitter would be the perfect souvenir to take home with me to remember this trip. Each of my sisters and I were able to pick out one item from the gift shop on our two-week National Parks trip and I couldn't imagine anything better than this.

I was fascinated with turning the globe upside down and shaking it, watching the glitter-snow fall upon the beast while I examined the intricate detail in his hair and fur. I had examined every one on the shelf--choosing the one that did not have an air bubble in the top, the one without any paint chipped off. Once we were back home, I would look at it as a magical world that I wished I could step inside of (this was at the beginning of my love for National Parks), and this was how my love of snow globes and my collection began.

Over the years, my collection has expanded to include around thirty snow globes. Some of them I purchased at different momentous occasions in my life, but most of them were given to me as a gift from a friend or family member who knew about my collection. With some dating all the way back to elementary school, not only do the snow globes themselves tell a story, but they also remind me of a person or time period in my life. One was brought back to me as a birthday present from my best friend who traveled to Europe on a family vacation--showing how strong a friendship it was for someone to use their precious baggage space on a usually seemingly-silly trinket. Another was given to me as a souvenir from Disney World, marking the trip that was the very last time I ever saw my grandmother. It is moments and events like those that will live on forever through that snow globe. For these reasons, I want to make sure I always take care of my col lection properly to preserve them.

As I continued to look through the neglected globes on my shelf, I noticed the water in some of them turning from clear to yellow. Others have bubbles forming inside and a few appear to be leaking. The majority though are still in mint condition. As I noticed these changes, I started making mental notes to make repairs. It was then I realized, not only do I have no idea how to make these repairs by myself--I like the reality of the imperfections.

My life feels like a snow globe right about now. On a slightly less-than-my-usual-optomistic-self side, I'm one of those little figures trapped in a little world. Occasionally I wander up, tap on the glass, and proclaim, "It's time to get the heck out of here!"

I've been doing better with my new Colorado life. I created a little routine and have been doing better with handling the transition, and now someone picked up the snow globe and shook it. Perhaps it was because of the anticipation of going home...who knows. Either way, when life changes are new and exciting, they are also stressful and complicated.

Any big choices in life are supposed to be with confidence in whatever huge leaps of faith you are taking, and instead I find myself hanging out in my snow globe where occasionally someone picks me up and shakes me. Snow globes are volatile. You put yourself on a shelf--available for the shaking or the rattling of the cage, if you will.

So I guess here's what I'm learning about life in the snow globe. It's largely about Faith. Faith in the prayers you've said that haven't been answered. Faith in the people who surround you in your little world. Faith that at some point, you'll get yourself out of the globe and everything and everyone will stop shaking. Life will be peaceful again. Until then though, and here's the hard part, you have to have Faith that you'r e in the right hands.

Shake your life, often and vigorously. Don't let the snowflakes hit the bottom of your globe. Life is far too short to settle.

Star of Wonder

Last night, Melinda and I had a quality sister night out, complete with Subway and a Christmas program at a church in Phoenix. When we arrived at the (mega-)church, we were expecting something amazing because Dad has told us a little about some of the animals that were in the show and we knew Monica was playing in the pit, but we were not at all ready for:

• A 40-foot singing Christmas tree
• Silk aerial artists
• A full orchestra and choir
• A host of flying angels
• Pyrotechnics
• Confetti cannons
• High School Musical-style performers
• Rappelling
• Break-dancing toy soldiers
• Bing Crosby (via vintage video)
• A stunning laser light show
• Exotic animals-including camels, a tiger, an elephant, and a kangaroo

This was not your grandmother's church Christmas play. That is, unless Granny attends Phoenix First Assembly. We were completely amazed and impressed by everything we saw, and the show was QUITE good! The story began with a little girl who is sitting in her bed wishing upon a star when she realizes she has everything she wants. The star (another little girl--both of whom were FANTASTIC actresses) flies in from the ceiling and takes the girl on a journey between three seemingly-unrelated families (you find how they are linked in the end) to try and help them find the holiday spirit and pass on the good news.

My favorite dialogue throughout the show was a singing interaction near the end between Sam (the girl) and the Star...

SAM: "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!"
STAR: "Star of wonder, star of light, star of royal beauty bright!"

I have always been fascinated by stars and the sky--learning about constellations and the stories they tell, dating back to the beginning of time. One of my favorite things to do is lie in the middle of nowhere and just watch the sky in amazement as the stars pass by.

"Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years," -- Genesis 1:14.

On my way home last night after meeting up with some old friends after the show, I was lucky enough for the clouds to let the moon shine through so I could see the lunar eclipse. After some research, I found out that this was the first total lunar eclipse on the winter solstice since 1638. (Luckily we don't have to wait that long for the next time in 2094). Through some more research, I accidentally came across a star-sky video and other papers with evidence to believe there was a total lunar eclipse on the day of Christ's death.

How completely AWEsome that there is a new moon on the magnificent day of birth. New moon. New life. The Star of Bethlehem completely illuminated in the sky, even more bright with the lack of light from a moon. Now, the counterpart event: a total lunar eclipse. Full moon. Full life. Blotted out with an amber glow, almost as if blotted out by blood.

I think the stars are awesome evidence of a greater work and an additional purpose, all a part of the great celestial poem.

Fall Colors

It's finally starting to feel like Fall. The leaves are turning colors and if you get up early enough in the morning, there is a crispness to the air. Between the vibrant colors, the delicious smells, and the way the air seems to gain an added measure of freshness makes this, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful times of the year.

As I was driving around Northern Colorado today across the front range, I was thinking about the awe and majesty of it all. I started thinking about the early mornings when I wake up to go for work, before the sun even begins to shine. The colors aren't vibrant but instead dull shades of gray and black. The smells of fall are absent except for the exhaust from cars passing by on the road. Even the air is more than crisp--almost solid from the chill temperatures.

Despite all that, I still know what the trees will look like in a little bit when the sun climbs over the horizon. I know what wonderful scents will flirt with my nostrils and that the crispness of the air will again offer me the feeling of being alive!

As I was driving earlier today, the sun had already been out for hours so the colors and smells were abundant. I began to look closer at the different shades in the trees as the greens were turning into yellows, and the yellows into reds. As I examined the branches though, I realized that many of the trees had the three colors all going on at the same time. The outermost leaves had gone through the cycle to become a dark red but the inner leaves were still a pale green.

I thought about this more and started to notice similarities with life.

Naturally, people have trouble with change. They (myself included) try to hold on to the familiar as long as possible, keeping objects and situations as close as possible to avoid any interferences. These are the green leaves--the leaves that are sheltered close to the trunk. The shade from the outer branches don't allow the sun to seep through and start the color changing process.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the red leaves are those that stretch up to the sun. These are the furthest from the center, and it makes me start to wonder about letting go of the familiar and letting the Son do it's job.

The conflict within one of these multicolored trees makes me think about my life right now. It's hard to let go of being in control all the time, but I need to just trust that things can take of themselves if I give them the chance to work out the way they naturally should.

A Teacher's Serenity

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the quote or even told someone else, "the only constant in life is change." Anyone who knows me knows that I try and defy that every day due to my incessant need to plan every detail of my life, but I am learning to deal with this "obsession." As much as I have tried, I have found myself powerless to control the actions and attitudes of others. Experience has taught me that the only power I have is the ability to control my own reaction to a given situation.

For a control freak like me, working with pre-teens and young adolescents can prove to be exceptionally stressful. Some educators enter the junior high classroom with fear and trepidation due to the huge reputation middle schoolers have earned. In a world of energy, hormones, and peer pressure, the lone adult in the classroom must possess traits of a superhero in order to succeed.

After spending so much time focusing on my dreams of elementary general music teaching including my student teaching focus, I had established a clam and predictable classroom environment. I fully expected to continue similar class control methods with my older students; however, now just weeks into the school year, I have come to the terrifying realization that an hour with a group of young teens is FAR from predictable!!

My thoroughly detailed lesson plans for middle school would have been the pride of any college education professor. Dr. Stamer and Mr. Tackitt would have been so proud of the template I created for my notebook of daily lessons, combined with my chart of the standards and how they would each be addressed weekly. My plans were based upon sound teaching technique. Students would be able to demonstrate skill in sight-reading as well as in areas of vocal and instrumental development. All the while, they would also develop a love for music while being extremely courteous and cooperative. Day after day, my plans fell by the wayside and I reverted to "seat of your pants" survival techniques, constantly adjusting my daily lesson plans to adapt to the classroom shenanigans. For the past week or so, at the end of the day, I've felt like a failure.

Talking to my mom and friends about different things I could change to keep engagement and learning high in my classrooms, I started looking elsewhere for motivation and/or encouragement. Finally, after looking through a box I found in my closet filled with old cards, I came across a gift from my grandma--one of those wallet cards that had "The Serenity Prayer" in it. While this has been used in programs such as AA, these words offer exactly what I need to know as an educator of young people.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Let me share a few ways I have learned to adapt this message to my dealings with middle school students. I must admit that total serenity is not a state of mind that I have yet mastered, but when I allow myself to take a deep breath, smile, and think of these words, I feel a lessening of my stress level during rehearsal. I apply a bit of humor to the situation and become a better teacher.

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change:

• Boys will be boys! A boy who enters his first year of middle school choir is only a child. Although his body may resemble that of a teenager, he still possesses the qualities of a child. At age 11 or 12, most boys simply cannot be still. Wiggling is not an activity that they choose just to drive me crazy; they actually must move. This need for motion seems to be most satisfying when the movement results in hitting a neighbor. I am learning to give my boys lots of personal space on the risers to avoid potential problems.
  
  
• Girls will talk...and talk...and talk. Observe the soprano and alto sections during your next adult church choir practice. My guess is that during the rehearsal, singing among the women will be interspersed with chatter. If adult choir members find it difficult to keep their thoughts to themselves, why should we expect anything different from our younger counterparts? Females are very social beings. There is just so much to say! Young ladies can be trained to save talking for designated periods during the rehearsal, but it will take time and practice.
  
  
• Boys' voices will change. The voice that covered your tenor line today may not have the necessary notes tomorrow. My students know by now there is no permanent seating chart because assigning parts in middle school (especially with the boys) is an ongoing process.
  

The courage to change the things I can:

• I worked to develop a carefully thought out set of classroom rules and procedures. I've established a routine to deal with everything from gathering rehearsal materials to exiting the classroom in an orderly manner. I get to class early and have chairs set up before each class in an arrangement that attempts to include preventive measures to avoid conflicts among students. Appropriate consequences are established for students who fail to comply with classroom rules and I apply them fairly.
  
  
• I've been working really hard to plan my rehearsals around the traits of the pre-adolescent and the young teen. I try to include a variety of activities and repertoire in each rehearsal. Movement activities are essential for each period. Wiggle room and short periods of social time are necessary, but it is also important to teach my students to enjoy the less-structured time periods in the rehearsal and to quickly return to rehearsal mode when instructed. This transition skill is taking time and practice, but I think it will pay off in the end. Allowing students to be kids decreases the stress during high-level learning time.
  
  
• Respect breeds respect. In order to earn the respect of students, a teacher must model the desired behavior. Every young person who enters my classroom has value and deserves to be treated courteously. Young teens deal with lack of self confidence regularly. I avoid responding to students in any manner that would lessen their self esteem, which is not always an easy task. Speaking to them in a kind and encouraging manner has led me to find that, in most cases, an attitude of mutual respect will prevent most classroom problems.
  
  
• Discipline issues must be dealt with calmly and fairly. No matter how we try, discipline problems in the middle school classroom cannot be totally avoided. In dealing with conflict, I make sure to remember that I am the adult in the situation. I cannot allow my frustration with a student to determine my behavior, regardless of the situation. Before responding to a challenge, I remind myself how important it is to breath. After warnings of the classroom rules and consequences, if a situation escalates, I am realizing how important it is to allow the student to save face by removing the student from the learning space to deal with in a private conversation. Above all else, it is VERY important to apply discipline consequences fairly.

The wisdom to know the difference:

Middle school music teachers do not enter the profession with dreams of counting tardies, writing referrals, lunch detentions, and CLAW cards, and monitoring testing. First and foremost, we consider ourselves musicians. For most of us, the pursuit of musical excellence has long been our passion. We have spent our lives as musical over-achievers. It is difficult to realize or remember that most of the children in our classes do not come to us with this desire.

Our goals for students involve the enjoyment of art and beauty. In a perfect world, eager youngsters would come to us with an intense desire for learning. They would take in our every word and strive to achieve their personal best in every rehearsal. Our lofty goals for students and their inability comply with our ideals causes conflict for the music educator. This conflict can result in great deal of stress.

By keeping "The Serenity Prayer" in mind, I am finding a measure of contentment. I consider that my middle schoolers are just children in bigger bodies and am learning to choose my battles carefully.

I have decided to avoid frustration by altering my expectations of student behavior and responding with a sense of humor. I attempt to create a classroom atmosphere which includes mutual respect, a variety of activities, and lightheartedness. My goal is to provide a setting where young musicians can flourish and where I can enjoy my time with students.

I am finding that by adapting my personal goals to the level of my students has not lowered my musical standards. A few minutes of laughter each day has not cost my choir a quality product by the end of each lesson. My courtesy toward students has not limited my authority as a teacher. The resulting classroom atmosphere is creating a climate of acceptance and security for my students and for me. I am feeling less stressed about my job and am enjoying my days with my kids again.

At The Desk

As I gear up for week four (how can it already be the fourth week of students?!), I realize I need to be sure to take the time to write down my thoughts. Lesson planning is coming along quite systematically. I've been sitting down on Sundays to write out M-W lessons, then doing the same on Wednesday night for the end of the week. This helps me assess whether or not my pacing is appropriate, which it has been so far!

I am getting close to a month out from my choir concerts and one orchestra, which is exciting but quite stressful at the same time. I am constantly making changes to my "system" to make things work as best as possible, but I really think it's coming along.

I received an email over the weekend from a UNC professor as well as a UNC student about letting students come in and observe me. MAN! It's weird to be on the other end of the college game!

In other news, Roxanne (my car) and I have not been getting along very well. About a week and a half ago, she decided not to start when I was traveling between schools number two and three, so I ended up being 20 minutes late to my class after waiting for the tow truck when she completely died (steering and brakes included!) in the middle of the business highway. Over the weekend, she died on my again at the house in Estes Park so she is having a sleepover at her doctor in Estes while I am using a rental car for work until tomorrow.

The whole experience with her dying on me has been my biggest fear as a traveling teacher, but it's quite humbling to remember that I do not have complete control of my life regardless of how much I have planned out. It's nice to be shocked into that realization every now and then.

Being stranded in Estes gave me lots of time to hike and read since I left ALL of my school stuff (including my computer) in Greeley. Unfortunately, that meant that today has been crazy busy getting things together for the week. Tonight is the first night where I was lesson planning at my desk rather than in the living room on the couch or at the kitchen table. That's saying something, and probably explains why this is so rambling right now.

And We're Off!

It's been two working weeks since I last posted and man this job is tiring, yet oh so rewarding! The first week back, I was at the district office for 8 hour days of meetings (most of which had NOTHING to do with my music job), where I met three other first year District 6 teachers.

Last week, I started the daily shuffle between my three schools--in and out of meetings. In my "spare time" I set up my classrooms and tuned up instruments for school to start. As this week began, I had my first day of school outfit all picked out, and set off on my new adventure with all the optimism in the world. Throughout the past three days of classes, I began a list that I wanted to share. Take from it what you will...

Things you don't learn in school:

Fire drills, especially when followed by lock downs, affect the rest of your class period and it's like herding cats to even try accomplishing anything else that day, but it IS possible.

Learn the students' names as quickly as possible. Classroom management works much more efficiently if you can talk to each student by name rather than just pointing or signaling in their direction. It also shows that you care enough about them to get to know who they are. (Seating charts are easy cheating methods!!)

Talk to other first year teachers so you remember you aren't alone, but stay in touch with your mentor teacher because they are proof that it is possible to get through even the bad days during the first year.

Always be thinking of an extra way to teach a concept. Even between your different classes, some techniques will be working and some just won't. Be prepared with every trick up your sleeve.

Spend time studying and learning about your subject matter before school starts. Especially if you will be teaching instruments that you aren't familiar with, the last thing you want is being put on the spot when a student asks you a question about a fingering or position.

Be ready to think about multiple things at once. Not only are you constantly monitoring student behavior, you have to continue teaching your lessons, check posture and positions, and keep an eye on the clock to manage your time.

When you graduate from college, you are at the peak of your playing thus far (hopefully!) The thing to remember is that your students are NOT college musicians--in fact they are far from it! Learn to let things go or to put something on hold till the next rehearsal if something isn't connecting. Some of the students may have never sang or touched their instruments before, so it's your job to be understanding and available for anything they may need.

Save all your handouts from every methods class in school, even if you think you may not ever need them. You never know what subjects you will be asked to teach regardless of what you think you want to teach. Of the four new music teachers, none of us are teaching exactly what we had in mind, whether it is at multiple schools, different areas of music, or even an extra drama class or two.

Research as much as you can about the school to find out the colors and mascot, the layout, the fire drill and other drill procedures, names of your administration/clerks/custodians, the neighborhoods where the kids are coming from, and anything else that seems helpful.

Planning is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. So much happens at the beginning of and throughout class that if things aren't written down you will more than likely fail. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you will remember everything you have planned for the day.

Be sure to write down notes or experiences from each day at the end of each class. This is an easy way to learn from your mistakes, remember what worked, and know for sure what did not. Go back to these notes once a week or so to make sure your notes are useful and not just sitting around unusable.

Be prepared to make at least five mistakes a day and to admit them when they are made. Make sure the students know you made a mistake so they aren't afraid to take chances and make their own.

Real life teacher situations are completely different from simulated college "lesson plans" or even student teaching. Middle schoolers will test you and push your limits so that you can prove to them that you can and should be their teacher. Even if you can get past that, just know that parents are WORSE.

Back-to-School Night is like open grounds for parents to attack the new teachers. Humans are creatures of habits, and as a new teacher you pose a threat for them. Even if your student is fine in your class, be prepared to meet parents with your shield up and ready to be confident in your answers to any and EVERY question thrown your way.

Meet and make friends with those parents as soon as possible. They will be able to help you in ways you wouldn't think are possible. If you can get the parents to respect you, then their children will probably hear about it at home which will be reflected in your classroom. Just be patient your first week or so for this to start up.

Use your manners and then some when communicating with clerks/custodians. If you can butter them up to be on your sides, the keys to the city will be granted to you and your whole school-world will open up.

Don't show any fear when stepping in front of a classroom or the students will eat you alive. Confidence is key.

Learning has to occur at all times.

Look professional at all times, even if the other teachers in your school have a tendency to dress down. Fight the urge to slip out of bed into something and look professional.

When someone is acting out in class, if you hold them after take the time to get to know the student rather than reprimanding them. More often than not, the student just wants the attention. If you ask them about their life outside of your class, they will understand that you are taking a vested interest in them so they will return that gesture and take a vested interest in you.

Have fun. If your energy level is high, the students' will be as well. Reversely, if your levels are low, theirs will be too.


During our fire drill today, I went up and down the line with my 5th period choir class and found out something about every single one of my students. One boy in that class is unique because he doesn't speak a word in English. In class, we've been working on a song in Zulu (from South Africa) which puts everyone on the same playing field because none of them speak that language anyway. Along with the Zulu, we will translate it into English and Spanish. Yesterday I sang the song for them in Spanish and they were VERY impressed.

At that school, the last minute of class I give my students two questions that they can ask me about anything in the world as long as it is school appropriate. Instead of a question, one of the students yesterday commented that my spanish was very good "for being a white person." I just laughed at that and joked around with them for a minute.

With the student that doesn't speak English, during the fire drill today when I got down the line to him, I started asking him questions in Spanish. At first, he looked at me in shock and then had a big smile on his face as he answered me.

Life is going great and I'm already over halfway through my first week. I can't wait to see what else this year is going to be bringing!!

Day One

Today was my first day of work so, being the planner I am, I got everything together last night. I laid out my clothes, made my lunch, and made sure to set my alarm for 6:30am so I could leave by 7:30am and not be too rushed. When I rolled over this morning at 7:27am, I realized the one thing I didn't check was whether or not my clock was set to the correct am or pm setting.

I sprang out of bed, dressed, grabbed my lunch, and headed out the door without showering. I couldn't believe the stress I had set upon myself already on day one, and called my mom in a panicked mess. Luckily, she answered and I was able to calm down before walking into the room (three minutes early!).

The training today was from 8:00-4:30 and covered classroom management. I met a girl named Bethany from Michigan and we went to lunch together (hooray Chipotle!) and bonded over choir teaching and moving to Colorado.

After the whole day today, I don't feel as scared about what is happening two weeks from now, and I think everything is going to be ok. After school, after showering, I hooked up my internet and the tivo and made dinner for Tom and I when he stopped by after teaching lessons today. Now it's time to get ready for bed and gear up for day two. Tomorrow I get keys to my schools and the adventure continues!

The Power of Senses

There are five different ways people are able to learn and understand, based on the power of their senses. The most common is visual, followed by (in order) auditory, kinesthetic, gustatory, and olfactory. As a teacher, I need to be able to recognize the differences of each of these types of people in my students, but as humans in general I think it’s just as important.

Think about something as simple as trying to let someone know you love him or her. Saying those three words aloud is a great way to get it across if it is an auditory learner you are working with, but how would that work for the other four types? Barry and I were discussing this idea in my exit-interview-philosophy-talk as well, brainstorming ways to convey this one concept through the different types.

Visual: Show your love and affections through flowers or other gifts that are personal and show the thought and care put into them.
Auditory: Those three words. Simple enough, one would think.
Kinesthetic: These people need to be held, hugged, and kissed so they can understand the sentiments through physical touch.
Gustatory: This goes along with the statement that, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Barry was talking about how growing up, his mom always made fried chicken and he relates that with love. He told me that whenever someone makes fried chicken now, that connection is made and he feels similar sentiments.
Olfactory: Understanding the feelings through your sense of smell. You might recognize the scent of someone’s skin or perfume and relate that.

These are five completely different ways of conveying one sentiment. Think about how many ideas or concepts an individual tries to get across during a day, not to mention an hour, minute, or even second!

As an educator, my job is going to be similar to a gardener. I will till the soil until the seeds grow, but understand the intricate details to gardening. I won’t be able to plant all the seeds at once, because not all seeds take the same amount of time to grow and I can’t overcrowd the garden because then nothing will grow. After the seeds are planted, even if I can’t see progress, I will continue to care for and water the garden because eventually, the sprouts will start popping out of the ground. I will get dirty as I throw fertilizer out and do whatever I can to help my garden grow, but at the same time, I will understand that seasons are real and not everything grows at once. Understanding the differences will be the best assistance for me throughout the cultivation.

I start school tomorrow, and I think I am ready to take on this new adventure in my life. Every feeling you can imagine has consumed me, but in the end I need to just remember this is for the kids, not for me. I’m sure this school year is going to be successful and exciting, but for now I will be taking it just one day at a time.

Pheromones

Have you ever wondered about why ants usually march in a single-file line? When an ant walks somewhere, if you look closely you can see their tail ends continually touching down to the ground in periodic, structured motions. As they do this, they emit a pheromone, which causes a chemical reaction within the colony. The chemical that they lay down sends of a different signal, similar to a prairie dog bark, signifying danger, food, pleasure, etc. One ant travels off into the great unknown, laying down those pheromones and before you know it the rest of the colony is following along because they know what the signal means. It’s almost like a default—they follow without knowing what’s out there, but also without questioning what is or even searching for their own territory. They blindly trust a chemical to dictate where they will be traveling.

Think about the whole canvas of earth ants have to travel on. It seems large to humans, but imagine being their size and how much more immense it is for them! Maybe that’s how it is with us—we are walking around on a huge canvas, but there’s something or someone (depending on what you think) even bigger that watches us from a different vantage point. I think a big difference between ants and us however is that we don’t follow each other by default though I do think humans have many other defaults, particularly emotional defaults.

It seems as though we program ourselves to react to certain situations in specific ways. When we receive a bouquet of flowers, we’re happy. When we burn our tongue on a hot drink, we’re upset. When we get cut off in traffic, we’re infuriated. Barry and I were talking about this during my exit interview (which was much more of a philosophy discussion, which is often the case whenever the two of us get together to talk), and he started talking about how he cut someone off on the way to work that morning. The other driver surprised him by smiling and waving rather than honking the horn or giving the finger that is the predictable response.

That got us thinking about what Barry calls the “CYE” or “Choose Your Emotion” theory. Imagine a giant layer of buttons above you with different emotions labeled on them. Rather than acting blindly like the ant following a chemical trail, when something happens to you, you can take the time and look up, choose your reaction, and hit the button.

I related the default emotions to a default font on a word document. Just because the documents are set up with Times New Roman, size 12 fonts doesn’t mean they can’t be changed. Think about all the possibilities just within the font type, not to mention size, italics, bold, underline, etc. A default is simply a preselected option adopted when the user or programmer specifies no alternative. Luckily, we are given the choice to choose and use that alternative option. We just need to be able to take the time to look up and select, instead of reacting by default.

The End...?

I can't believe it's already here. I have two more days of work left this summer in the Backcountry Office, and I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It hasn't helped that my summer was shorter than last year, but I think I am going to have to start getting used to shorter summers on the public school schedule as opposed to the longer college summers. That will be just the first of many adjustments.

As I have been preparing for the school year (that starts Monday!), I have been running all sorts of work-related errands and planning out as much as possible, but I still have been finding myself breaking down in tears from the stress I'm creating as I think about my situation.

Looking back, I realize how INCREDIBLY important it is to not skip classes. Ever. I am going to reluctantly admit right now that I didn't take the strings classes seriously. As a "band" instrumentalist, I never thought that any of the string information would be pertinent to me and didn't completely pay attention in the Strings Technique classes and I didn't attend every class during Teaching Methods when we were covering the string areas. Boy, am I regretting that.

One of my graduation gifts was a $100 gift certificate to Amazon. I used that to purchase the following books:


I Know Sousa, Not Sopranos! A Survival Guide for the Band Director Teaching Choirs
The Boy's Changing Voice: New Solutions for Today's Choral Director
The Choral Warm-Up Collection
A Handbook for Beginning Choral Educators
Teaching Strings

Now I know these books aren't going to give me all the answers to everything I will come across over the next year, but at least it's a start! Tom gave me my first violin last week which was refreshing, since the last time I touched the instruments was in the classes five years ago. He was really patient, which I appreciated, and I have practiced every single day so I can be partially ready for school to start. My goal is to stay enough ahead of my students this year so I never lose my credibility.

I called Mom twice this week, breaking down in tears. Don't get me wrong--I am VERY excited to start teaching--this is what I've been working towards the past 5+ years! I just feel like a fish out of water, not sure what is going on in the uncomfortable world around me, but I am going to work my hardest to flop my way back to the water. I've started lesson planning and already created templates to use for each class so I can just check the boxes and have everything set each day. I have attended the pre-first week meeting and been talking with all my principals to get everything straightened out. You would be surprised at the amount of paperwork there is to fill out between insurance, direct deposits, beneficiaries, sick banks, and those silly W4s that I STILL have to call home to decipher!!

Despite my worries however, everything is falling into place. I am still waiting on my CO Teacher License to process and I still need to change my driver's license and plates, but I have my apartment set and I know where I'm going, which is definitely a start. I can't wait to see what this next week will bring me...all I can be guarunteed of is exhaustion! :)

The "2010 North Inlet Epic Adventure" ©

Last Tuesday, Laura picked me up at 7:00am to begin what would soon be known to us as The "2010 North Inlet Epic Adventure" ©. We headed to work so we could fill out paperwork, grab a radio, and pick up Vic's car so I could drive it over Trail Ridge Road. He and a friend were going to be day-hiking from Bear Lake over the continental divide to the Green Mountain Trailhead, and Laura and I were doing almost the opposite with an overnight on the North Inlet Trail so we could see Lake Nokoni and Lake Nanita before crossing over Flattop Mountain on the return to Bear Lake. I had offered the day before for us to drive his car over and then we would hitch a ride so we could all avoid any needs of planting cars on either end.

As Laura and I finished packing our bags, complete with our bear canister, Barry started looking at us with a funny expression on his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he told us that he was getting really jealous that he couldn't come on our trip. I asked him how long it would take him to pack a bag, but he just couldn't take off from work long enough to go on our trip. Dale mentioned that a drive over to check on the West Side office would still be working, so Barry grabbed the Blazer and he helped us drive over the top.

So there we were; Laura was driving the Blazer with Barry as a passenger, and I followed behind in the giant diesel truck. As I passed through the gate, L and B must have said something to Clark who was working there because he started making fun of me for being a ranger driving the diesel through a National Park and how ironic the whole situation was.

That drive over TRR was the beginning of testing my limits. I'm not afraid of heights, but I am most definitely afraid of falling. Being up so much higher in the big truck made the edges of the road even more steep. Luckily, I made it over the top, we ditched the truck, headed to the trailhead (via the CRD BCO), took beginning pictures, and headed on our way. We made it the nine miles to our campsite in pretty good time between the campsite checks, bull moose observations, and 1,020' elevation gain. We continued on another 7 miles total after dropping our packs so we could see the two alpine lakes with another 1,000'+ elevation gain.


When we got to the first lake, we were amazed at the pristine beauty of the scenery. The water was pure blue and the mountains that served as the backdrop were unsurpassable. We reached Nokoni first and that ended up being my favorite, but Nanita surprised us by its large size!

As we approached Nanita however, we noticed something bright blue that caught our eye...a tarp was laid down with another rolled over on top of it and anchored down with rocks in a way that looked like a body was underneath it. The rocks and tarps were intentionally placed, and it took us a few minutes to relax before we were able to poke it with a stick and find out that it was filled with air. The strangest part about the tarps was that they were right next to a sign that said "No Camping" but no one was around. We started shouting out, "Hello!...Is anybody out there?...We're taking your tarps!..." We were still spooked that someone was out there and we tried to radio in to ROMO to let them know what we were doing but found out there was no radio coverage as far back as we were. We decided to hike back to camp as quickly as possible since the sun was beginning to go down and we weren't sure what kind of situation we were in. About a half mile away from the lake in the direction of camp, we came across another blue object that caught our eye: a 2.5-gallon camp water filter. We spooked even more as we noticed it was intentionally hung over a log and in use--filtering out water for a camp somewhere surrounding us. We grabbed that after similar shouts into the trees and booked it towards camp.

By the end of our 16 mile hike day, we were starting to get a little sore and decided dinner and bed was the best way to go. We finally had radio coverage back at camp, so we called in to ROMO (dispatch) and let them know what had happened and that we confiscated three items from what we suspected to be an illegal campsite. ROMO asked if we needed any assistance or backup and we siad no, but then heard a radio contact from Theron, one of the West Side LE Rangers, who was on our trail about four miles away. He called us and let us know he was headed in our direction which made us feel SO much better!

We got into the tent around 8:00pm, planning for our hike up over the divide to Bear Lake the next day. As we were falling asleep by 9:00pm, we heard Theron on the radio at the campsite next to ours. We scrambled out of our sleeping bags, threw on our boots and wool hats, and climbed out of the tent to see him. After seeing the gear we had acquired, he told us that the Division of Wildlife had been up at the lakes doing some research and thought that it all might belong to them. We thought it was strange that dispatch didn't tell us that they were back there when we reported the gear, but were very grateful when he offered to bring them back rather than having to haul them over Flattop down to Bear Lake.

We headed off to bed for the second time, more anxious than before to get over the top and down to Bear Lake where we were planning on hiking the half-mile around the lake with our packs and trekking poles so we could wear our "I CONQUERED BEAR LAKE" t-shirts in a way that only the two of us can.

Wednesday morning, we woke up to soggy sleeping bags and tents from the rain during the night. After laying things out to dry a bit, we packed up and headed on our way sometime early morning. We said goodbye to Theron (who had crashed at our campsite in his bivy sack) and headed towards our next destination: the July campsites, 1.5 miles away, 1,200' elevation gain.

Past those campsites, we started the next 2 mile, 2,000' elevation gain section, while keeping an eye on the building clouds back to our left. We had to cross three snowfields that proved to be both mentally and physically challenging as we looked down below to the steep dropoffs on our side. As we finally made it to the very top of the steep stretch and past the switchbacks, we still were keeping an eye on the western storm. What we weren't prepared for was what happened next.

As soon as we reached the top, a giant cloud washed over from the east to west side like a tidal wave, to the point where we could barely see our trail anymore. The almost instantaneous whiteout forced us to turn around to get down below treeline because even though we were already to the top of the climb, we were going to be exposed in the tundra for the next few miles and couldn't risk that much exposure.

As we ran as quickly as we could down the slope with our packs on and crossing back through those snowfields, we reached treeline much sooner than anticipated where we came across a group of young campers with their counselors who were about to head up the now densly fogged in trail. We advised against travelling further in that direction and helped them straighten out the situation.

Throughout this whole adventure from the point where we turned around, rain had begun pouring and lightning and thunder were crashing above us. We had radioed in to ROMO to let them know our change of travel since Laura was on duty and they needed to know where she was, and throughout all that, Theron heard our situation too. It was really nice knowing he was around to help us out if we needed it, but we assured him we would be ok and have to hike out. His response was in the form of a question: "Are either of you vegetarian?" We couldn't have been more excited.

In the end, our trip ended up being 8 miles longer since we had to hike all the way out, making it a grand total of 32 miles in 31 hours (hike-time was only 13.5 hours) with a total change of elevaation of 8,000 (4,000 in either direction)!! We were soaked and hungry and almost got mauled by a mother moose protecting her baby, but made it out. The problem was that we didn't have a car at the trailhead. Luckily, we radioed dispatch and hour before we got back and they set up an LE (Law Enforcement) transfer over Trail Ridge Road. That was the absolute scariest drive I had been on over the top because of how fogged in the road was. We couldn't see the front of the car, not to mention where the road began and ended with its cliffs!

All in all, the trip was quite the epic adventure. I was supposed to go out the next night with Tom, but needless to say...that didn't quite happen!

Catching Up

It has been WAY too long since I wrote in here last...almost a month! I think part of the reason for that is the fact that I have internet on my phone this summer so I can do a quick email or facebook check rather than driving all the way into town to use my computer. Unfortunately, this has kept me from writing and I feel less content whenever that is the case. There's something particularly calming about the sounds and feel of the keys under my fingers as I type that is hard to beat.

Here's a quick bullet list of what has happened since I last wrote and maybe you will see why it took so long to write:

• Mom came to visit me and we had a great 3+ days of final job interviews, Glen Haven cinammon rolls, moose jumping fences, driving across the park, naps, hikes, Boulder visits, and more!


• I GOT A JOB!! As of my first day on August 3rd, I will be the new orchestra /or choir director (depending on the school) at Chappelow, Winograd, and Brentwood Middle Schools!


• I GOT AN APARTMENT!! I move in on Wednesday, and Dad is helping with the drive. ANY HELP IS APPRECIATED EITHER IN FLAGSTAFF TUESDAY MORNING OR GREELEY WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON! I'm excited for the long car ride with Dad since we haven't had much one-on-one time in a while, but I'm also really excited that he will be one of the first people to see my new place!


• I've been on two backpacking trips. The first was with Laura, Hannah, and K to Upper Mill Creek which is one of my favorite short hikes in the park. The second was this week with Laura to Pine Marten which ended up being a 32 mile epic adventure (post re: this trip to be coming soon)!


• I've been working lots of overtime, but also making sure to take time for myself and for hiking. I've reached around 150 miles already this summer and my goal was 200, so that's in good shape!
  

I turn 23 tomorrow which doesn't feel strange at all. Between all this new job and apartment stuff, I feel like a grown up! I've set up my own electric, gas, internet, car insurance, and renter's insurance bills, and it's so cool not needing a co-signer. I feel even more independent than ever before, which is really saying something!

I'm working in the morning, then getting off early to go to a wedding with Tom for some of his friends from high school. It doesn't really feel like it's a birthday, especially since most of the people I hang out with are 23+ anyway up here. Despite that, I feel that so much has happened in year 22 so I can't even wait to see what is coming my way this year!

Age v. Mileage

Last week, an older gentleman and his grandson came into the BCO to get a permit for a two-night trip. They wanted somewhere where they could go to see as much of the park as possible, After planning where they were going to stay the two nights as a base camp with opportunities for day hikes each day, he asked me to lean closer so he could let me in on a secret.

When I leaned forward, he said, "Listen, Megan. It's not about the age. It's about the mileage." He assured me that it didn't matter how old he was and that he didn't need to worry about pushing himself too far because of how much he has done with his life.

And it's true!

Life has only one beginning and one end. Everything else is just a whole lot of middle. It's not necessarily a race to the finish line, but more about how you spend your time in between to make the most of it.

The Village Band

Last night was my first band concert with the EP Village Band. I went to my first rehearsal on Tuesday night and was immediately moved to principal horn, but that wasn't really my mission. The band is made up of a mostly older community and aside from a couple high schoolers who attend the school where we rehearse, I am the youngest one there by a long shot. I just wanted an outlet to make sure I play my horn this summer, regardless of whatever the quality of the group is, but these guys actually play really well!

Our concert last night was at a retirement center in town where people could bring their lawn chairs as we played outside the main doors. The clouds were rolling in and tiny drops of water were beginning to sprinkle on the plexiglass music covers on top of our folding stands as we sat in our personal folding chairs to warm up. Cars pulled up from local residents who wanted to come listen to their town band and the nursing staff wheeled out residents from the location to come listen.

The theme of the concert was post-memoriay-day-early-flag-day-post-v-day which honored many of the people out to watch. As per usual we started with a march: "National Emblem," by Bagley. As soon as the music started, the rain cleared off and was completely gone by the end of the march. As one of the conductors began to announce the next piece ("The Homefront": a medley of WWII songs), he directed everyone's attention to the giant rainbow crossing through the sky. I have never seen a rainbow as giant and amazing as this one which, if you've seen my scrapbook from last summer, is amazing. It was almost as though two perfect rainbows were stacked on top of each other so closely that they were sewn into one perfect entity.

We continued the concert with an obvious blessing from above and dove into that medley. An older woman was directly in my line of sight and I often watched her throughout the concert, but this piece was the reason I was so drawn to her. As we played through the conglomeration of "It's Been a Long, Long Time," "Thanks for the Memory," "I'll Be Seeing You," and "The White Cliffs of Dover," I watched her sing along but even more importantly--I watched her face remember every memory that each of those songs contained for her.

There's something so powerful about music that just provokes those kinds of memories. You can hear any song and often immediately find yourself reliving the very first time you heard that song. We watched The Shawshank Redemption the other night and Andy Dufresene had some pretty good music quotes, but one of them was about the "beauty of music" as something no one can steal from you.

"You need it so you don't forget that there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside that they can't get to, that they can't touch...that's yours."

Red asks Andy what he's talking about and the simple reply is, hope.

That's what so many of these songs signified for the people listening through their memories last night and it was so neat to watch that show through on their faces. The program continued with "I Got Plenty Of Nuttin'," which got me thinking about the first time I knew that piece as a duet with my piano teacher when I was starting to learn some jazz for the first time.

After that, we transitioned to another march by Charles Duble called, "Old Glory Triumphant." The vocal soloist returned to sing "The Pledge Of Allegiance," as arranged by Alfred Reed, followed by our national hymn, "God Of Our Fathers," which had some fantastic horn parts to play. This was followed by a Karl King march, "Salute To The Colors," a medley of television theme songs, "A Symphony Of Sit-Coms," featuring themes from "I Love Lucy," "Bewitched," "Mister Ed" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show," Fillmore's march, "The Circus Bee," followed by Louis Armstrong's version of "What A Wonderful World."

That last one is another that triggers some sentimental value for me, but more importantly my dad. Whenever it comes on the ipod or in a store or pretty much anywhere and we are together, he always tells me that this is the song we will dance to whenever I end up getting married and goes on about how when I was little he would pick me up and we'd dance around the living room to Louis' unmistakable voice.

The concert concluded with Sousa's "Gallant Seventh," and as soon as the last note sounded, the rain suddenly started up again. It was almost as if the clouds wanted to make sure we had the perfect setting and all their attention for the music. They even brought that giant rainbow out again at the end. It was a little fainter this time, but an unmistakable congratulations from the sky for a job well done, as if any storm in the area was dissolved away by the sounds coming out.

That reminds me of one more quote from the movie the other night from Red's narration:

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free."

I don't know if I will ever see the lady I was watching again--probably not--but I felt lucky to be able to share with her memories through her face last night. I tried finding her afterward to talk to her a little and thank her but she was gone. That is one of the things I love most about music. It's that way to make the walls that cage people in disappear. It's that ability to communicate, whether you are aware of it or not, without ever saying a word.

Put Your Hands in the Air and Scream

Monday afternoon, Barry asked me if I wouldn’t mind helping him organize the upstairs office or at least be there for moral support. Boy, was I excited! One of my hardest parts of work so far this summer has been knowing that I only work with Barry one day a week. His insight on different topics and ideas just triggers my brain and I love being around that mental stimulation, so when he asked me to go with him to help organize…double bonus!

When we got upstairs, he had me sit down and we just talked for a loooooong time. We talked about our winters and what new philosophical ideas we had, and he told me that when he saw the schedule and realized the same things I had that he was going to make a point for us to get together and be intentional about Fridays.

While we were talking about our winters, we started making an analogy between life and a roller coaster. Last summer he told me about the two different ways to ride a roller coaster: gripping the handle bar and screaming for your life or throwing your hands in the air and screaming for fun. Either way, both groups of people get on and off at the same stop so it’s up to you to decide which way to travel. Up until March I had never really been on a roller coaster so I couldn’t completely understand the point he was trying to make.

When I finally did ride one, I was that kind of person who gripped the bar until my knuckles were white and screamed the whole way. As we flew around the track though, I started thinking about his thoughts from months before and slowly let my death grip go. By the time we were hanging upside down, I was definitely still screaming, but I was able to throw my hands in the air right before the picture was taken.

It got me thinking about the key to that whole situation—the track. Sure, it seems like the roller coaster (or life) is flying by in every direction. You feel out of control and unable to see through the tied up mess of the course laid out. Upside down, round and round, over, under, and through—it seems like at any given second you could just fall right out to your death. That’s when you need to realize that you are completely attached to the track the entire time. As much as you might not like it, you don’t have the total control of where you are ending up. You’re on a track and your only job is to trust that you will end up exactly where you need to be.

It’s hard to do that in life. I have a lot of trouble just trusting that things will work out and I’ll end up where I need to be. As I think about it though, why spend time worrying about it all? Worrying doesn’t get people anywhere. Sure, it’s healthy to be concerned a bit or at least thinking about the directions you want to be heading, but in the end it’s about putting your faith in the outcome and flying through life with your hands in the air despite however much you may still be screaming.

My roller coaster right now is taking me through job interviews and towards my present future. I’m trying not to let it stress me out and worry me though. I’ve been getting out into the backcountry more, including a 16-mile hike with Tom and Conor yesterday and a 4-mile hike the day before with K, Conor, and Rebecca. I’ve been enjoying the mountains as much as I can because those can always be counted on to give me a good dose of serenity.

Planes and Goodbyes

I’m on the plane on my way back home from…home? I flew back to Gilbert Monday night after work for Goog’s graduation, and boy were those days loaded!

Tuesday morning, I woke up and went to the photography place because mom wanted updated pictures of me since my last formal pictures were from my senior year of high school. That afternoon, I napped for three hours, which was really nice since I’ve been keeping a pretty busy social schedule since I got to Colorado. Tuesday night was the last family dinner we will have with everyone there indefinitely. Mom ended up crying and I was thinking about how sad that really is. After dinner, I met up with the girls for a drink at Applebee’s, and I started thinking about the same things there.

Wednesday, I woke up and hung out by the pool for a couple hours. After showering off, I headed to the dentist to take care of my biannual checkup, but even there I realized I couldn’t schedule my next appointment since I have no idea when I’ll be back. On my way to the appointment however, I got a call from a school in the Glendale School District where I had turned in an application and they wanted to schedule an interview! Grandma and Grandpa showed up after a delayed flight schedule that evening and we all headed to Meredith’s graduation at Chandler High.

This morning, I woke up early and headed to my interview where I was offered the job after the hour of questions and talking. That made me feel a lot better that I am already batting 1000 as far as interviews and job offers go. Unfortunately, that situation didn’t seem like the best fit for me so I will keep looking until the right thing shows up. We hung out with the g-rents all afternoon and I filled out ten more applications for schools throughout Colorado. Goog’s dinner celebration was at Charleston’s, and after dinner I had to say all my goodbyes.

Mom has already scheduled her visit to come see me in two weeks, so that one wasn’t going to be hard, but saying goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa made me start tearing up. They are getting so much older, and each time I wonder if that’s the last time I’m going to see them or not since they live across the country. Then, I turned to say goodbye to everyone else. I almost completely lost it saying goodbye to Melinda and Meredith. We didn’t always get along the best growing up, but I love those two more than anything and would give my life to make sure they were happy. It’s hard not knowing when I’m going to get to see them next. Maybe I’ll be home for Christmas, but who knows depending on the job situation!

So here I am on the plane with tears streaming down my face as I listen to my bluegrass with their picture on the seat next to me as I stare out the window at Jupiter as it follows me in the sky everywhere I go. (Thank goodness there are only 9 people on my flight so everyone is spread out and not watching me right now!)

Seeing Jupiter out there reminds me of all the events in the past week, especially Saturday, but let me back up a little bit…

Anyone who talks to me knows how much I love my job. Going into the office doesn’t even seem like work to me (but trust me, it’s one of the busiest and most stressful offices in the park, despite what I make it seem like!), and my hike days don’t even seem fair when I think that I’m getting paid to hike. Knowing all that, Saturday has got to be hands down my favorite day at work.

As we neared the last hour of work, I had started running out of things to clean and organize for the day. At that point, a family came in so I went up front to help them out. What looked like three generations of females came up to the counter, with the young girl (maybe 12-14?) tried to get her mom to ask me a question. The mom finally gave in and said that she was trying to get her daughter to ask me, but that they had a question.

They had been out walking around Sprague Lake and came across the discreet handicap sign, designating our accessible backcountry campsite, and wanted to know what that was all about. I started talking to the young girl and asked her if she liked camping. In her response, I could tell through her excitement that she had some sort of disability, but really wanted to go camping! Her mom asked if the site was only designated for physical disabilities, and I assured her that anyone could use it if they felt that it would be a good fit.

All three women got so excited. I pulled down some pictures to show them the site, but they told me that they hiked back to the clearing and sat down at the picnic table for a while, just looking at the site, imagining their own private camping experience back there. The mom told me that her husband had just lost his job and they were trying to make ends meet, but wanted to keep that as an option to keep their daughter’s spirits up. She wondered if she needed any kind of documentation or doctor’s note to use the site, but I assured her it would be ok.

When the three left, they were full of smiles and tears of joy, and all shook my hand on their way out. I went back into the office and just started crying myself, thinking about the joy that had just been brought to them.

How neat is it that RMNP would have an accessible site so that even people with disabilities or who would not, under normal circumstances, be able to hike far to a backcountry campsite can have their own similar backcountry experience?! I am so proud to be a part of that community that can provide for opportunities such as those.

Saturday night after dinner, Tom and I headed up to hang out with Jupiter on a night hike up to Gem Lake. We left around 10pm and I got back to my place by 2am, but the stars were amazing, especially in contrast with the full moon and town lights! We hiked up to the lake and then climbed the rock wall behind it to get up above for the best views.

Sitting on a giant rock like that always makes me think a lot, and based on my sunburns this spring, you can tell I do a lot of rock sitting. Getting out into the “wild” like that is like soul food for me. I can’t be stuck inside for long periods of time or I start to go crazy. I think that’s part of why I wasn’t able to completely wrap my mind around the idea of teaching in the valley. I need to have a place I can go to distress, decompose, and just think.

So sure it’s been REALLY hard saying goodbye to all the parts of Arizona I love, but now it’s off to new and exciting adventures. I should be landing in half an hour (this won’t be posted until later since there is obviously no internet connection on the plane), and then driving back to Estes. For now, that’s my home, but who knows what’s coming my way after that. I am positive there’s some sort of bigger, better plan out there for me—I just don’t know what it is yet and for once, I think I’m ok with that.

Love Plan B

Nature weaves an intricate web of life into all things. Here, the spirit of the mountains prevails, and the higher in the mountains you travel, the closer to the heavens you reach. The backcountry surrounds me: untraveled and inviting.

Rocky Mountain National Park is:

416 square miles

350 miles of trails

473 miles of streams

147 lakes

267 backcountry campsites

75 miles of paved roads

110 peaks over 10,000 feet

72 peaks over 12,000 feet

25% Alpine tundra

95% designated Wilderness

And the best part? This is my entire back and front yard. This wilderness is where humans are visitors and don’t remain. While there are 3 million annual visitors, the only year-round residents of the park are the natural inhabitants. Here, nature gets to be nature—it’s free to do it’s own thing.

Today was the first day of work, starting with backcountry training in the auditorium with our staff and a bunch of LE (Law Enforcement) rangers. As we sat and listened to the uniform and backcountry spiels for this year, I began to think about and write down all my hopes and goals for this summer. As Barry pointed out last summer, a hope is something you have no control over, while a goal is the opposite. As my list grew, the last thing we talked about it training before playing Jeopardy (who says Rangers can’t have fun in training!?) was about “Situational Awareness”—a word that came up all the time in training last summer too and that is so important in the field.

“Situational Awareness” is knowing what is happening all around you, along with your ability to process it. It’s the difference between perception and reality, and is ESSENTIAL to managing risk.

After the group backcountry training, our staff left and loaded into our government vehicles to head off to an unknown destination. Barry led the way, and we ended up at a huge mansion that once belonged to Mr. K. Kingston who I guess began and owned some huge banking firms in Denver. The place is used now for non-profit organization meetings and functions, and Barry had arranged for our staff meeting to be there. For the beginning, he encouraged us to explore around the house as we ate our lunches, until we finally settled into the giant living room. The seventeen of us sat in a circle and our personal training began.

The neat thing about Barry is that the training today was personal. Rather than going over rules and regs from the very beginning, he wanted us to all get to know one another. He said he wanted us to hear each other’s voices and see the sparkle in each other’s eyes as we talked so that we could see what excitement we were in for this summer. What other bosses do people have that strive for a healthy work culture made of two kinds of people, “comedians and philosophers?” His biggest goal is to make our government office the exact opposite of the DMV. (Oh, how I can relate to that right now!)

He asked us two questions that we were supposed to answer, popcorn style instead of around the circle so no one was pressured to talk at any point. The first questions: “What did you learn?”

All of my coworkers went around the room, sharing their bits of wisdom they’ve learned from over the years as I sat and planned out what I was going to say. The first was taken directly from Timon in The Lion King, “Home is where my rump rests.” I could directly relate to that, along with many of the following ideas: “Some relationships are for a reason, some relationships are for a season, and some relationships are for a lifetime.” (I might have to come back to this quote at some point this summer.) “Leave your egos at the door,” combined with “Arrogance kills.”

Finally, as I sat there thinking about my life and writing down ideas and notes on my yellow legal pad, I realized exactly what it is that I’ve been learning lately: I CAN’T plan out and control everything in my life. I spoke up and began telling about my very first Halloweens, when I would come home after going around the neighborhood, dump my candy on the floor, and then rather than eat it all before getting into trouble like a normal three-year-old, I’d begin to organize it by color or brand. I asked for a “little kitchen” for Christmas one year when I was younger and began to organize all the shelves and put the food away in its appropriate spots as soon as I saw Santa brought it for me. My main use for Barbies was to set up their houses and organize all their accessories, rather than actually play with the dolls (I was more into legos than dolls all along anyway!).

At the end of high school, my best friend Erin and I sat down and decided to plan our lives out. I wanted kids by a certain age, which meant I had to be married so many years before that, which meant I had to be dating the guy by so many years before that, and had to actually know the guy so many years before that…Throw in the job timeline, combined with school, and my life was set. When I was back home at my mom’s house recently, I found that timeline we had made and realized just how many of those dates I had missed. That’s when I realized what I was learning.

Andree pointed out to me, “you can set your goals, but you have to be willing to change your plans.”

How true is that in my life right now?! I am officially done with school and have nothing holding me back. I don’t owe any debts to anyone for my college expenses. I don’t have a relationship I’m involved in right now to tie me down somewhere. I am completely free to go wherever I want, so why not take a job in Anchorage, AK if that comes my way?

Thinking back even on my lesson plans during student teaching, I immediately thought back to the second grade incident. While I had everything planned out for my class, there was no way I could have accounted for the little boy to lunge at his classmate and tackle him, while choking him, to the floor. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”

More importantly, as Barry pointed out today, “LOVE PLAN B.”

If you love “Plan B” and “Plan A” doesn’t work out, you’re still set either way. I am learning to roll with what life gives me, and see where I end up. Even after three days in Colorado and only one day at work, I can tell this is going to be yet again a summer of a lifetime.

Dreams and Reality

The past week truly has been a blur of emotions. I woke up yesterday morning after a restless sleep with tears still unwillingly streaming down my face. I tried to make them stop but I had no control over what they were doing.

Strangely, as I lay there in the bed, I stared at the wall on my side and remembered back to the exact feeling at the end of last summer when I woke up and stared at my blank wall, back in my room, thinking it was all a dream. That's what prompted me to cover it with pictures from the summer so I would know it all really happened. Looking at that blank wall yesterday though, I realized that waking up back in Estes, I was going to realize I was back home again but was that going to make me feel like the last five years (especially the most recent!) in Flagstaff were going to seem just as surreal? As all these thoughts of walls and deeper meanings were going through my head and I was chewing on my lip to think about something other than crying, Drew pulled up a C.S. Lewis quote,

"And just as there are moments when simply to lie in bed and see the daylight pouring through your window and to hear the cheerful voice of an early postman or milkman down below and to realise that it was only a dream: it wasn't real, is so heavenly that it was very nearly worth having the nightmare in order to have the joy of waking, so they all felt when they came out of the dark."
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The irony of how well that lined up with what I had been thinking about set me off again, and as I willed the tears to stop, I couldn't even say anything at all. Reading another passage--this one from the Bible--kept the tears coming as I thought about how I was leaving the town where I lived the past five years.

"We don't see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!"

After saying the final tearful goodbyes to D, D, and L, I got in the car, made a quick stop at the MVD, and headed on my way. On the drive, I started with Mahler 1, using it as a memory of one of the highlights of my playing career in Flag. After that, I went through some of the fifths, with Shostakovich 5, Beethoven 5, and Mahler 5. The first two brought back memories of playing with the Flagstaff Symphony, and while I never performed the full Mahler 5, the horn excerpts were used on my last horn audition at NAU. After those four symphonies, I tried listening to the mix Kelly made me for my birthday last summer. With that music though, I found myself zoning out and not listening as intently as I had been with the symphonies.

I found it strange that I was more unfocused listening to the music that actually had words to sing along with. At my first gas stop in Kayenta, AZ, I was on the phone with Aaron Walker. He said he couldn't listen to classical music when driving because he has to sing along to stay awake. When I got back in the car, I realized I had been singing along to all the different instrumental parts of the piece. I was immersing myself in the music and able to listen so intently for the first time in a while because there was nothing else to distract me.

Utah found me listening to Pictures at an Exhibition and Night on Bald Mountain, both an FSO and high school memory, respectively. Tchaikovsky 4 took me to Moab (the halfway point) while Sheherazade took me away. I70 gave me a chance to listen to all four Brahms symphonies, with the final, triumphant chord of the first symphony lining up directly with my cross over the Colorado border. I70 went on forever, so I was able to get Dvorak 8, Schubert 8, and Dvorak 9, totaling at twelve complete symphonies and a few other works combined with Denver radio for the 836 mile drive.

Waking up this morning in my bed in Estes, I opened the window and let the daylight pour in. Long's Peak was outside, covered in snow, and there were so many shades of green I didn't know what to do with myself. Kristin was sleeping on the mattress on the floor and my suitcases were shoved in the corner from unloading half my car after stopping at The Rock last night before heading home. The cheerful voices I heard were of the wind sweeping through the grasses and trees, combined with the chirping of the birds and rustling of the small rodents running around outside. The best part--it wasn't a dream. Even though I'm here now in the mountains where I belong, Flagstaff is still just as real to me and I am not losing touch with that feeling yet.

Skillet on the Stove

It's time. In just a few hours I'm getting into the already loaded car and heading 750 miles away, not knowing if I will ever really be back. It's so strange and it just hit me as I was laying in bed and tears started coming unexpectedly from my eyes.

I'm done in Flagstaff though: All of my NAU bills are paid. I finished the last minute errands like getting a haircut, oil change, gas, tire rotation, stopping at Cedar Music and the bank on last time. I am an official member of the National Association for Music Education (MENC) and the Sigma Alpha Iota Alumni Association.

Then today, I had to do some of the hardest parts of leaving. I loaded the car and official moved out of 206. Sure, I had to move out last summer too, but this time I'm not coming back. Throughout the past week and a half, things were slowly disappearing. The pictures on the walls were some of the first things to go, and it immediately made the apartment seem like some foreign place. Today, we turned in the keys and parking permits, and looking around the empty, echoing rooms left a giant pit in my stomach, especially thinking about all the fantastic memories that were made within those walls.

Tonight at dinner, a bunch of my close friends met up at Beaver Street Brewery for a final dinner/goodbye. After dinner, most of us headed to Liza's place where we sang Disney tunes at the top of our lungs, and it made me realize how much I really am going to miss Flagstaff and all my friends here. I realized that life is going to go on for all of them, and maybe I will stick around in their minds for a little bit, but chances are they will move on and not really give it a second thought. Those 750 miles make quite a difference and if I end up teaching in Alaska, it will be an even further thought tucked back into any of their minds.

So here I am, sitting in a friend's bed while they snore away and I have just a couple silent tears trickling down my face. This time of reflection is making me think of my last big event in Flag: the tattoo I got yesterday. It's a simple drawing that I made in high school--an intermingled treble and bass clef, tucked behind my left ear. To me, it means more than just that though. The connected shape doesn't have a start or end point, and the fact that it's on the left side of my body makes it closer to my heart. Behind my ear reminds me to listen deeper for more meaning in what goes on around me, and the combination of bass and treble clefs indicate a harmony of sorts that cannot be surpassed.

As I go on into this next stage of my life, I need to keep these Flagstaff memories with me as a happy period of time, but I also need to be ready to embrace what lies before me.

Why should I be tearing up thinking about what I will be missing when I have so many opportunities lying ahead of me, starting tomorrow?

Behind the Wheel

I drove to Durango, CO this weekend with Kendall so I could take my Colorado teacher certification test (the PLACE). The ten hours in the car didn't seem quite worth it for the one hour test, but I got a big wake up call just past Tuba City on the way there.

As the sun was setting through the stormy clouds, we were enjoying the views in the sky while listening to Kendall's selections on my ipod when I suddenly saw three cows on the road ahead of me. Going 75mph, there was no way I could brake in time for the cows. As I swerved out of the way, I noticed through the dusky light that it was a baby on the road, frozen in fear as each parents waited on a different side of the road. While my heartbeat slowed down, I started comparing those cows to different events in my life--those times where I've been frozen in fear in the middle of a path between two very important things, but unable to move despite all my efforts.

That's kind of how I feel right now--stuck between job applications and Flagstaff. I find myself so scared to death about leaving the familiar place that I love and have grown to call home, but also about the mountains of opportunities out there that await me and new experiences I haven't had the chance to encounter yet. I'm the baby cow that's frozen in the road between two larger ideas and need to realize that if I stay there too long, the cars won't always be able to swerve out of the way because they will be coming from both directions, in streams with others behind them.

The drive home was just as mentally intellectual. I started focusing on objects like mountains or trees off in the distance. As I approached them in the car, I started realizing how easy it is to move from large to small picture views. When you are far away, you can focus on the whole idea, rather than just one particular part if that's what you choose. Up close, you don't have much of an option, but there is still a large/small picture concept...it's just on a different, much smaller scale.

These thoughts all feel so scrambled, but it's nice to be able to write again. I've had so much trouble finding time for myself between all the teaching and job applications, but I know it will all be worth it in the end.

Happy President's Day

It's been a few weeks since I've updated, but that's due to an incredibly busy life. (What else is new!) During my time away however, I realized that this blog doesn't have to be teacher-specific. The chance that most posts will be about teaching is very high, but that's just because that's what I do.

I teach.

The past two weeks, I have taught every. single. class. at the Elementary School and have loved every minute of it. Each class is so different, even in the specific grade levels, and I can't think of any I prefer, but I KNOW this is the level I want to teach.

It's neat seeing the kids warming up to me and being able to break through and reach some of the "unreachables." When the too-cool-sixth-grader comes up when the rest of the class leaves and says he wants to stay after school so he can improve on his trumpet but doesn't want anyone else to find out about it, or the first grade girl who doesn't have to come to class anymore with her aid is getting ready to go grabs your arm as she lines up and tells me she's keeping me forever...those are the things that make me realize I'm doing exactly what I need to do. Even on a rough day, the kinder kids who walk in and tell me "I'm looking be-a-utiful today" can cheer me up in an instant.

Even in my private teaching, I am making lots of progress. I currently have ten students, four of whom tried out for High School Regionals and placed 1st, 2nd, 5th, and 7th overall! I was so proud of them, especially the girl who has only been playing horn for less than a year and still placed above 17 other contestants! One of my junior high students also tried out for Junior High Regionals and made that! It's neat to see that my efforts and communications make it through to the students and that they can push themselves to reach their fullest potential.

My elementary student teaching is winding to a close with only three more weeks left, and then I will make the switch to the high school which is making me realize just how close to graduation I really am. I signed the intent to move form at the apartment office this afternoon, solidifying the fact that I am homeless, come August. Actually, I got the phone call from Barry and was told that I have the park job this summer again, and it could be extended until September, or possibly October if I still don't have a job which adds a little bit of an extra cushion.

I am truly scared of how little control I have on my life right now. I have no clue where I am living next year. I have no clue if I will have a job next year. I have no clue who my friends will still be next year. Nothing, except that I will still have my family because they don't really have a choice in the matter.

I have 81 days until graduation, and not many more than that until I am out of Flagstaff completely. I don't have time to play "the game" or to argue about petty situations with friends. I have decided that I am going to make the most of these few months and not waste them. They'll be gone before I know it.

Bounce High, Bounce Low, Bounce the Ball to *SPLIT*

This week is my first week of COMPLETE teaching! Yesterday I taught fifth and third grade, along with all the before, lunch, and after school sectionals and private tutorings. After school, I taught two private lessons of my own and then called it a quasi-early night.

Today, I taught back-back-back-10minutebreak-back-back classes that were kinder, first, kinder, first, kinder, first...and that was just between 8:45-11:35!! After that I headed to NAU to play in Wind Symphony, teach three of my own private lessons, play in Collegiate Band, and now I am writing my lesson plans for tomorrow's classes.

Needless to say, this is already EXHAUSTING!

The kids and teaching totally makes everything worth it though. I still have not even begun to second guess my career choice during my student teaching experience, and have learned SO much thanks to everyone at the school, especially Mrs. Stamer!

Today was another less-than-forgettable day...

In my very first class of the morning, I had the kinders in a circle so we could participate in a song about a ball. At first, they all bounced an imaginary ball to the beat while I bounced the real one. The next time, we sang the song with each of the students' names and I bounced the ball to them when we said their names and they rolled it back to me. When one of the kids rolled the ball back, I bent over in a funny way and heard that awful sound of a seam ripping. There I was, in the center of a circle, surrounded by kindergartners, most likely with ripped black pants, fearing my choice of hot pink underneath was not turning out to be my wisest decision. I knew that if the kids saw it and started laughing I would have NO control of the class, so I decided to pretend that nothing happened and just pray that nothing would happen.

Luckily, we finished the game and they sat back down so my back was turned away from them the rest of class. There wasn't a break between the first two classes, but the second was a little late so I ran around the corner to the bathroom. When I checked, I found out that the pants had a double seam, thank goodness!, so they didn't split all the way through! I made it successfully through the rest of the morning without a glitch and am almost halfway through the week now!

Tomorrow morning I am getting observed for the first time, and hopefully everything will go well!! Now to get to those lesson plans so I can get some sleep...

Chaos in the Classroom

Today was the first full day back, and by full I mean FULL! We had three sixth grade classes, a meeting with Ms. Wu who is observing me at the elementary level, lunch, percussion class, one fourth grade class, three second grade classes, then two percussion private lessons after school!

Despite all of that, the day ran pretty smoothly. I taught some of the kinders and first grade classes the Star Wars version of the Fast Food song, and apparently word has been spreading around school! They've been singing the song in their classes and at lunch, so the sixth graders asked that I teach that to them too. It worked perfectly since we've been working on part singing the past few weeks and that was able to become a round with nice harmonies! Since they were older, I challenged them to the ultimate task: combining the two versions while doing the round!

In case you don't know the songs I'm talking about, the original Fast Food version goes like this:

A Pizza Hut, a Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and a Pizza Hut (x2)
McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and a Pizza Hut (x2)

Seems simple enough, and the actions go along with the words. Next was the Star Wars version:

A Jabba the Hut, a Jabba the Hut, Luke Skywalker, and a Jabba the Hut (x2)
Hans Solo, Hans Solo, Luke Skywalker, and a Jabba the Hut (x2)

Again, the actions fit with the words and include turning your arms into Jabba's mouth, Luke's lightsaber, and Han's spaceship.

Finally, combined is much more difficult, even just with the words!:

A Pizza the Hut, a Pizza the Hut, Luke Skychicken, and a Pizza the Hut (x2)
McSolo, McSolo, Luke Skychicken, and a Pizza the Hut (x2)

It was really neat to see how focused even the third sixth grade class was, and they are usually the most unfocused with the "just try and teach me" attitude. Ms. Wu and I left the room and set the dates for my observations, and that class will be my first observation next week, so I am just going to need to make sure I plan my lesson to keep them intrigued.

The fourth graders received their orange belt in Recorder Karate today and made it halfway through the green belt song. Green adds an E to their first three notes (B A G), and I discovered that having them show me the "peace" sign with their first two fingers on their right hand works perfectly for what they need to add on!

Last classes of the day: second grade. Yikes. Second grade, up until today, was the only class I hadn't taught yet, and it seemed like the first class was testing the water a little. When I asked them to, they got pretty quiet, and we made it through most of the lesson. The second class...not so much.

In second grade, we've been doing a world tour with previous stops in North America and South America, and today was Africa. We listened to a song to figure out where we were and then moved up front to read about it on the screen. After that, we all got up and learned a traditionalesque dance to go with the song, and that's when things started heading downhill in the second class.

One little boy apparently had been having a rough day in his classroom, but I didn't know anything had been happening. As I was teaching the different moves (while Mrs. Stamer was out somewhere in the hall or in another room), he started making his own moves up VERY LOUDLY. When we stomped our feet twice, he stomped them twelve times. When I asked everyone to make sure they were following directions so we would be able to dance with the music, he got even more out of control so I simply asked him to sit down, without making a big deal out of it. He sat, then decided he wanted to get back up and keep dancing. When I asked him to please sit down again, he shouted NO! and kept on distracting those around him.

At this point, I chose to ignore him to hope that he would behave with the lack of attention. Boy, was I wrong! We sat back down and learned our next song: "Sorida," from Zimbabwe. When we started learning actions for this one (with Mrs. Stamer still out of the room), he started shouting "If You're Happy and You Know It" and "Patty Cake" at the top of his lungs. I kept going with the lesson and turned the music up so we could try and hear it over him to no avail. The rest of the class was awesome and tried to pay attention to me and the lesson despite the noise, and this little boy was NOT ok with that.

He decided to take off his ring and chuck it across the room at another boy. I simply walked over, stuck out my hand, and the second boy gave it to me. The first boy was FURIOUS. He started screaming, "It's MINE!" and quickly turned around and lunged at a boy behind him. He pushed the boy over to the ground and started choking him. At this point, I'm getting really stressed and kinda mad at the situation myself, going over in my head what I must have done to make this happen! I gave the boy his ring back in hopes that he would calm down and tried to keep going.

*ENTER MRS. STAMER*

She walked in and asked how everything was going and I just looked at her and said, "not well." She must have seen the panic in my eyes and asked what was wrong so I told her the Cliff Notes version. She told the boy to go speak with her out in the hall, and he gave her the same "NO" answer he had given me earlier in the class. She started walking towards him and he stood and sprinted to the back of the room towards the percussion instruments. She went towards him more and he started running in circles around the room, singing a mantra to the same idea as the Gingerbread Man. He ran by me and she told me to grab him, so I reached out and got his arm. She caught up, picked him up, and carried him all the way to the principal's office.

Holy. Cow.

The rest of the kids in the class were completely awesome. After that final distraction, we were able to continue where we were and still got through everything we needed to for the day. The last class was awesome as well, and that ended out the day. Once all the kids had left, Mrs. Stamer and I talked about what had happened. She told me she had just been in the hall talking with the classroom teacher and they thought everything was going great because they couldn't hear anything off task through the door. That made me feel good that I wasn't raising my voice or drawing too much more attention to the boy than he drew to himself. At the beginning of the last class, she had noticed I was still at a high-stress level because of the incident, so she whispered to me that it was ok and I just needed to relax. I didn't realize how apparent my thoughts were, but that simple comment cleared me up for the rest of the day.

After everything is said and done now, I feel pretty good about the way I handled the situation. Let's just hope there isn't a repeat any time soon!!!