Every relationship, whether romantic or not, is a journey.
We can all attest to that.
Relationships take effort, especially in the field of communication. Often when the relationship is between two people of the opposite sex, those communications do not come naturally. This is most likely because men tend to desire more independense wheras women desire more social interaction.
At one of our BCO trainings last week, we were commenting on how men often have one conversation going on and can't focus on many other things going on in a room while that is happening. Reversely, women are more likely to pick up pieces from each conversation going on (including whatever is happening on the radio or tv) and converse in every area. Barry mentioned that in a relationship however, all that is put aside and the two people have to pass through five different levels of communication before the desired endgoal can be achieved.
CLICHES are the typical, routine, often repeated commentes, questions, and answers given out of habit with no real forethought or genuine intent. "How are you?" "Fine." "Having a good day?" "Yes."
FACTS are information or statistics about the weather, offices, friends, news, personal activities, etc. Facts require no in-depth thinking or feeling.
OPINIONS include concerns, expectations, personal goals, dreams, and desires. Due to differences of opinion that naturally arise between two people, epseically between men and women, this is typically the level at which we run into the "wall of conflict."
Many poeple lacking the skills ot make it through the "wall of conflict" revert back to the first two levels of communcation and never truly get to know each other and satisfy needs. Lack of passion towards that desired end goal is in direct proportion to lack of effective, constructive confrontation. Sharing feelings and needs makes one vulnerable and can/will only be done where there is a feeling of mutual trust.
Conflict is not only the wall, but also the door, for conflict is virtually inevitable and it is only in passing through conflict that we are able to reach the deeper levels of a relationship. If only more people realized this they would not view it as a destructive source, but a creative one when confronte in a positive manner! Conflict is, in reality, a tool to bring two people closer together as long as those two do not allow it to lead to contention. In other words, attitude makes all the difference! The inherent differences between men and women automatically cause conflicts to arise, but with the realization that it is these differences that enable men and women to compliment/complete each other, they are in the right frame of mind to make use of them constructively!
Affter going through the "wall (or door) of conflict" by applying the communication skills above, you both feel safe enough to share your deepest emotions or FEELINGS.
NEEDS are then the deepest level of communication where you feel completely safe to reveal your unique needs with each other. Truly, unless needs are known and met, two people will remain strangers.
As I was thinking about basic skills to make it through the inevitable "wall of conflict" that kept being mentioned, I realized that listening was really important and deemed that key, "drive through listening."
Drive through listening is a way for ensuring both are communicating with real understanding and true respect. The term comes from when you order food at a drive through location (which I REALLY try hard not to do). You give them the order and then they repeat it back. You either say, "That's right," or correct them. If corrected, then they repeat it back again for you to verify. This way, you know they understand exactly what you meant! It works the same when two people converse. Both should take turns--one being the speaker, the other listening. When understood, the speaker changes roles with the listener. This procedure prvents the fault so many of us are guilty of--only half listening and not really understanding. Be sure, when listening, to invite the other to say more in case they do have more to say and be sure not to cut them short. Ask questions in that safe environment to further clarify/understand.
Every major conflict is the result of someone's needs not being met. Only in meeting these needs can you truly understand each other and find the desired end goal from your communication.
